We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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