i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
