he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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