Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
