You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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