I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
