My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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