they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
