tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
