I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Randomize
