my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
