he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
