i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I just found a bag of teeth...
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
