The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
