i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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