I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
40s are totally the cure
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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