the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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