New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
