I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I didn't notice because vodka
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Randomize
