even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
