im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Randomize
