i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
