just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
