dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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