why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
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His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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