He uses pillows to masturbate.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
