can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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