If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
