she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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