In America we eat man semen.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Girls should come with a carfax report
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Randomize
