I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
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