Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
