my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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