true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
