Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Im part way to drunk.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
