I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
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since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
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That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
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