you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
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you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
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I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize