So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
