Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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