i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
