I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
