I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
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