i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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