I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
