I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
