ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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