Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
