you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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