I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
