I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
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