I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
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