Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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