Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Never joke about your clitoris.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
