I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
