What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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