I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
