was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
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Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
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I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I smell like Dick and happiness