Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
