I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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