I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?